How Did I not Know About the Cheating?
Blerg, deep breath. I spent a long time wishing away the signs of cheating. I didn't want to seem jealous, or to overthink his friendships with females. Even when I found lewd pictures on his phone, I let him talk me down from thinking the worst. It's hard to say when the cheating started or continued because of this. I wrote it all down years ago in a journal, and I wouldn't even be able to ready it myself and believe it at this point. The lies and the truth weaved together so seamlessly that I jaded myself into believing it was a comforting blanket, when in fact I was being woven into a cocoon to strangle myself from the life line of the truth.
The place to start here is to accept that I did know about the cheating. Deep down, before any of the hairbands, or texts, or underwear showed up, I had to know it was coming. Or did I? I remember the day midway through my experience in a 12 step program helping me overcome my addiction to my marriage, that I decided it was time to forgive myself for being so blind. I had to forgive the naiveté in order to move on. But I couldn't move on and I couldn't forgive myself at first so I fell into the deepest darkest hole of my marriage and everything became cheating.
Wow, this is hard to remember even at the distance where I am now. The truth is that I spent A LOT of time healing from the broken heart pain in order to get where I am. Sometimes it still takes me down. I'm not sure exactly how to explain it, but the way I got through it or around it or underneath it wasn't to turn a blind eye, it was just that I never blamed her. I couldn't blame her because I knew if it hadn't been her, it would have been another her and it still would have happened.
Sure, I got mad and the anger poisoned me, but the only way to deal with cheating is to let go. It's unfortunate that I got that message and accepted it so quickly. I missed the deeper understanding that I needed to let go of everything. Our marriage had so many ties. We had a house, we had deep wounds to our marriage that we had walked each other through, we had many children. I couldn't see how letting everything go was a path for me. I had to get stronger. That just took a long time.
On the other side of things, here, in my own home with my kids and with a life plan that doesn't involve attachment, I can see how deep I was in the hole. I thought I needed the physical proof to get out and let go. I really just had to strengthen myself. I still can't imagine that there are people in this world who stoop so low, but at least maybe I'll be able to listen to my gut and see it coming in the future. It really is a vile experience and I wouldn't even wish it on my lousy cheating ex.